The ManQueen Of SelfPity And Woe
by SincerelyRainbow
Summary: After the explosion, Mello loses more than just his dignity, reverting to what Matt calls "The Man Queen Of Self Pity And Woe." And now Matt has set out to give Mello back his crown and glory. Contains wig shops, Kingdom Hearts, and man-queens. MxM R


**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **First off, you should not take anything in this story seriously. In my defense, "I did it for the lulz." It's a total crack take on Mello's hair after the explosion. Technically, he should have lost most his hair after it. He should not have walked away with sexy locks of golden layers. So this is the total crack story for what happened. It was written in about an hour. I just did it for the laughs. The shoppe keeper and "one hundred, eighty-five dollars" bit is totally based off my real wig shopping experience. So here, have some complete hilarity. That's about it for author's notes. Enjoy. XD  
**DISCLAIMERS: **I do not own Death Note or Zexion. Or the world's ugliest dog competition. It's a real competition, I swear!  


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If there was one thing Matt learned after the explosion, it was that Mello's hair was indeed not made out of gold. It was not threads of gold sent from the very angels themselves. And now, most of it wasn't even there anymore.

Save for the details, Mello felt like an entry in the World's Ugliest Dog Contest. Or was there a contest for World's Ugliest People? Mello didn't know, but if there was, he knew he would place first in a heartbeat. At least it'd be first place in something, he thought bitterly.

How long ago had the explosion been? Neither of them had taken the time to count the days just yet. Matt was too busy tending to Mello, while Mello was too busy bitching about he hated the world, staring at himself in a hand held mirror and scowling at his new found look. The scar didn't bother him as much anymore. At least people wouldn't mistake him for a girl so often.

But his hair! It was gone. Singed away. He currently had a bandanna tied around his head with one of Matt's old skater-esque beanies over it. Anything to hide the fact that underneath it all, he felt like some kind of alien from outer space. Was that an upgrade or downgrade from World's Ugliest Dog? He felt hideous. He had always taken pride in his hair, as girlish as that was.

And, frankly, Matt was tired of the 'Let's Pity Mello' party that the former blond seemed to be giving himself. He was tired of the anger, the self- pity and frankly all the shit that came along with Mello's bad moods. Because, really? Was losing your hair that bad? Not really, not when there were so many ----Now, that! That was an idea.

A grin crept across Matt's face as he darted to the bed. On his way, he scooped up a black coat with its furry black hood and tossed it at the blond. "Come on, we're going out."  
"No, we're not," snapped Mello in reply, throwing the mirror he had been staring at himself in onto the floor.

Still, Matt was persistent. He tugged on Mello's arm, pulling the boy into an upright position and shoving the coat back at him. "Yes, we are."

"No," the older pressed the coat against Matt's torso rather forcefully, "We're not."

"Look, Mello, I'm tired of this whole pity me shit. It's pathetic. You keep acting like the world is going to end. Over what? The fact you don't have to put all your fruity shampoos and shit in it anymore? God, Mello, you have it easy!"

"They're not fruity shampoos," Mello grumbled in reply.

"Yes, they are," Matt raised his voice, changing it slightly to sound as if he had just walked out of the television set. "Essence of lavender," he stated, sashaying around the room all too dramatically, "Essence of raspberry, fortified for the diva you are! Why?" He brought himself back to Mello and stared at the boy. An all too fake grin spread across his face as he finished it off with, "Because you're worth it."

Of course, this did little to amuse Mello who shoved Matt away from him in one quick motion. The grin was still pasted on Matt's face, he himself feeling amused by the situation. It wasn't that he didn't feel sorry for Mello, because, really, he did. He just wasn't amused by Mello's behaviors, and really, it was time they both had some laughs. Although, if Matt thought about it, what he had in mind probably wouldn't amuse the other boy much anyway.

"Come on, Mel," Matt pleaded, giving his best pouting face, "You can't stay inside forever." He slid the jacket over Mel's thin figure and pulled the hood it. It hung over the hat the boy already had on, and hung over most his face. "See, nobody will notice, and hell, nobody will even know who you are." Always the optimist, Matt was. "It's not like many people really know you anyway." He just said the wrong things sometimes.

Mello groaned, shoving past Matt and stomping towards the door. "Fine, if it'll shut you up, you have one hour to show me whatever the hell it is you're so hell bent to show me."

The gamer grinned like the Chesire Cat and slid on his own coat. He knew exactly where they were going. He linked his fingers with Mello's and lead him to the car.

"So where are we going?" questioned the blond, falling into his seat. He'd let Matt drive because technically, it was Matt's car. Even if Mello did drive it more. Matt took his seat in the driver's spot and drove off, not bothering to answer Mello's question.

When they arrived, all Mello could do was stare at Matt with a look of utter disbelief, "You're kidding right?"

It was a wig shop. Of all the places in the town they could have gone to, the arcade, the mall, even the post office! Matt, that damn gamer, chose a wig shop! Mello was not amused to say the least.

"Well, get out of the car," grinned Matt, opening the passenger's side door.

"Go to hell."

Matt frowned slightly, "Now, Mello, you promised me an hour. I still have fifty two minutes and nine seconds before the pity party recommences."

Matt, looking back on it, would never figure out how he did it, but by some unseen miracle, he did get Mello out of that car and into the shop.

The pair walked around the store, observing all the wigs. They all seemed so real, as if they had been ripped by the roots from somebody's head. Matt almost wondered if there was blood underneath from the brutal ripping. He smirked at that thought when he spotted a wig that looked way too much like Near's hair.

Mello didn't seem to be as amused as Matt was. In fact, Mello wasn't even really looking at wigs. Instead he was just standing there awkwardly as Matt browsed. There was another customer in the store, and the lady who ran the place was tending to him.

Matt was further amused when he found a wig that was like looking at his reflection. He grinned widely and picked it up.

"Look, Mels, we could match!" he giggled a bit louder. When the lady looked over, Matt put the wig back and sunk behind Mello. Once she was no longer paying attention, he continued browsing the wigs.

And there he saw it. The perfect mirror image of the hair that Mello had. It was blond, cut straight like his had been, and generally perfect. Matt wondered if it was cleaned with fruity shampoos as well. "Mello, look. It's your hair!"

That had came out entirely wrong, and Matt knew this when he saw the scowl on Mello's face grow. "That's not what I meant," the gamer corrected himself and pointed towards the wig. "See, nobody would know any different. Not even Near!"

That was a lie. Both knew that. Near knew everything, as creepy as that was. Matt was still convinced that Near had a visual tap on them like they had on Misa. The thought creeped him out more than he would like to admit. If Near did have one, did he watch them have sex?

"The little pervert," grumbled Matt almost silently. Mello stared at him, tilting his head curiously before observing the wig. It did kind of look like his hair. Maybe a shade darker, but not much. It still didn't make him feel better.

Matt caught the attention of the shoppe keeper and motioned for her to come over. He smiled at her politely, something Matt rarely did. He was never one to fake kindness. "How much do the wigs cost?"

He had been expecting around eighty dollars, maybe less. After all, how much could fake hair possibly cost? So when she replied that the wigs cost one hundred and eighty five dollars (and those were just the cheap ones?!) a piece, Matt was a little more than surprised. His jaw dropped open, and he shook his head before leaving the store. The Man-Queen of Self-Pity and Woe would have to wait for his flowing crown of faux-glory.

"That was a waste of a trip," grumbled Mello, the first thing he had said since they last got out of the car.

Matt shrugged as he walked up the stairs and entered their apartment. At least Mello wasn't staring in that God forsaken mirror anymore. The gamer sat at one of the computers and cracked open a website.

Mello stared at him curiously for a moment before falling into the couch. He folded his arms behind his head and stared up at the hood that was now covering his eyes.

That would be all of hair discussion at least for that day, and for two to ten business days. Because after eight days two boxes laid on the outside of their apartment door. Matt grinned widely as he brought inside the packages. Inside, he knew exactly what laid in each box, so he tossed them to Mello.

Mello, unsure of what was inside the boxes, stared at Matt. Matt just shrugged his shoulders. "Open them."

The first box the older opened contained a blue wig that hung over one eye, and it was shorter in the back. Mello glared up at Matt silently demanding an answer. Matt just shrugged and gave Mello that same idiotic grin.

"Now you can be Zexion!"

The former blond continued to stare at Matt, his face contorted into its usual scowl showing that he was clearly not amused.

"You know, Zexion, the mopey looking nobody," continued the gamer, until the blue mess of hair came flying at his face. Once again he had said the wrong thing. Gamer talk didn't translate over well into former Mafia boss language.

"Fine," Matt shrugged, putting the blue wig over his own head, "I happen to like Kingdom Hearts and Zexion very much. At least he's not as mopey as you. Now open your other box."

Mello couldn't believe he actually took the time to open the second box. After seeing the monstrosity of blue hair that was now adorning Matt's idiotic head, he didn't want to know what was in there. But he also wanted Matt to leave him alone. There was stuff he wanted to get done, Dog show contestant or not. So he opened the box, and what should he see but a blond wig. It looked mostly like his old hair, only it was cut into shaggy layers. He stared up at Matt, or was he going to only reply to Zexion now?

"It's like your old hair, only less girly! There's only one problem with it."

"What's that?"

"It might fall off during sex," smirked the gamer, "Think we can glue it on?"

Mello punched Matt hard in the shoulder.

And that was that. The Man Queen Of Self Pity And Woe had a faux-crown of glory once more, and things went back to normal from there.  


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AUTHOR'S NOTES CONTINUED: And that's how Mello got his man-pretty layers of hair. XD


End file.
